Hey. I know the title of this article may seem a bit “heavy and depressing”, and not gonna lie, it is. Yeah, sad article coming at ya! And yes, I know that in my previous article I literally said how I would no longer be writing super sad articles on this blog anymore, but, unfortunately when I went to write my next article (this article) this is what I ended up wanting to talk about. And what’s that? Feeling behind in life. Feeling lost. Feeling sad. You know, fun stuff!
I feel lost. Like, more than I ever have before in my life. Things feel okay sometimes. The days of good or great, though, haven’t been around for quite some time. I’ll have moments here and there where I’ll block real life away, put it to the side and just not think about it. Not think about anything. Not about life these days, or the future, or how I feel like my life is slowly slipping away from me.
These days the only time I am feeling…. What’s the word I’m looking for? Oh, yeah, happy, that’s it! Well, yeah, the only time these days I feel that emotion is when I go shopping at a store. I used to get that kind of happiness when I would see Broadway shows in NYC with my Mom, but as the months have gone by, I feel those days are now forever in the rearview mirror.
My Mom loves Broadway and those NYC days just as much as I do, but after her surgery a few months ago after having a mini- stroke, along with the mask requirement no longer being a requirement when seeing Broadway shows, I can tell how she really wants to go in and see shows, but just doesn’t have the energy for those days anymore.
It just sucks, to put it simply, having no friends. Making friends in your late 30s is just unrealistic, in my experience, so keep the friends you have if you have them, even if they annoy you because it’s just super hard later in life to make new ones.
I try to live in the moment these days. Not think about the future that’s eventually going to be the present. The unknown is just plain scary. Especially, when you don’t have a large support system of family or friends by your side. I have a few people in my life who I can count on, and it’s terrifying to think of how one day I’ll probably be actually alone, instead of just feeling alone. That’s why when I get sad and depressed, and feel as though I have no one, I remind myself of how I do have people in my life, not many, but I do have people who care about me.
Life got really difficult for me after graduating high school. I began to feel sad a lot. I guess, if you will, it was at that time where the origin story of me and my depression began. My depression began because of my “friends” back then. I say “friends” in quotes because I see clearly now how if they were actual friends of mine who cared about me they wouldn’t have abandoned me with no explanation as to why.
Growing up, I wasn’t popular. I got made fun of. I got bullied. All of that, though, was easy to deal with and get through because I always had a group of friends. Friends, who didn’t tease me about my mismatched outfits. Friends, who treated me kindly, nicely. Friends, who wanted me around, who invited me to parties or out to eat or to a movie.
After we graduated school, though, those friends of mine, stopped calling me. They stopped asking me to hang out. They stopped inviting me to their parties. Simply put, it was as though I just no longer existed to them.
I was still here, but not to them. A friendship with me was something they no longer wanted. It was as though our friendship had disappeared, vanished into the night sky overnight with no reason as to why.
I felt hurt, alone and confused. The feeling of being pushed out, pushed aside, made to feel like nothing were all things I felt during this time and for several years after this time. I couldn’t shake the sadness, the feeling of feeling throw away as though I was a piece of food past its expiration date.
My friends had made me feel as though I had disappeared. From that hurt, I did, start to slowly begin to disappear from the person I was. The shy, yet outgoing at times, person who was always up to hang out and have fun with her friends vanished into the night sky overnight just like my friendship with them had.
Like I said, growing up I was used to being picked on, but when those who you thought were friends of yours are the ones hurting you, it’s different. You feel blindsided. How could someone who was your friend one minute, completely turn on you and make you feel the deepest hurt you have ever known?
The hurt caused by my friends messed with my self-esteem, confidence, and self- worth. I felt like nothing. I felt pointless. I no longer felt worthy of another’s friendship because why would anyone want to be my friend when my own friends ditched me.
This moment in my life, I have moved past, but unfortunately it’s a moment that has forever stayed with me because you trust your friends to not hurt you. You trust them to be respectful, to be kind. You trust them to treat you how they would want to be treated. Even after all of these years, that hurt, from them, has never left and probably never will.
I’m not sure where my life is going, honestly. Sometimes I feel 100 years old. I feel like I don’t have the energy to try and start over. To make something out of my life. I feel so far behind because I am.
There’s a line in the song “You Don’t Know” from the musical Next to Normal where the main character sings, “Do you wake up in the morning and need help to lift your head?” I understand that line completely. Sometimes I think how, shouldn’t it be enough just to get out of bed in the morning? Shouldn’t that be considered an accomplishment in itself? To get up, knowing I’m sad, and I still get up anyways. But that’s not enough, not in real life, anyways.
Birds, to me, are the luckiest. They can fly away just like that. They don’t have to worry about the future, or friends hurting you, or money. I mean sure, they have to worry about survival, and food, but they don’t have to worry about the future in the same ways as humans have to. But, what do I know, I’m not a bird.
I didn’t write this article for pity or for anyone to feel bad for me. If after reading this, you find yourself wanting to reach out and talk to me just for the sole reason that you feel bad for me, please don’t. If one were to reach out, I would completely appreciate your kindness. I would completely appreciate how you are taking time out of your day to talk to me. I will probably, though, end up misinterpreting your kindness for friendship, and once the realization hits how we may only have been talking because you may have felt pity for me, ends up hurting just as much as having no friends anymore at all.
When it comes to friendships in the future I’ve learned I want, I need, an equal friendship. I want someone who wants to be my friend just as much as I want to be theirs. I want someone who wants to talk to me just as much as I want to talk to them. Hopefully, that makes sense. I feel like it does.
This article was a bit all over the place, perfectly resembling how I am currently feeling. A bit all over the place.
Lastly, I wrote this because writing has become my way of coping in a world I no longer feel a part of. Writing helps me deal with my sadness. Writing helps me get through things. Writing helps me get through life now.
Hope you’re doing better than me 🙂
Until next time!