When Real Life Sinks In…

As many of you already know, I haven’t felt okay for a while now.  It’s been a hectic few months and life is, and has been, just kind of a lot.  I go on a cycle of feeling okay (usually when I go out and get a random thing I don’t really need like another new book) to feeling sad, anxious, and depressed.  Real life is starting to sink in for me, and in all honesty, I am not ready for it.

I’m not going to go into the details of why I am extra sad and depressed these days, but if the last few months have taught me anything it’s that nothing in life stays the same forever.  I mean, this is something I already knew, but life has a cruel way of just changing like that with not a moment’s notice sometimes.

For years I struggled with both physical and mental health issues.  It was because of this that I came to feel I would never accomplish anything substantial in my life.  I look back on my life and find myself in a state of sadness when I think back on those years I was struggling to just make it through the day.

My physical health issues were from stomach issues, mainly IBS like symptoms.  This in turn affected my mental health, which resulted in OCD and depression.  I dealt with these issues pretty much every single day for all of my 20s to my mid- 30s  So, as you might imagine, this took a toll on me.  This time of my life in many ways truly broke me and my spirit.  It’s the reason why I feel as though I am not capable of anything.

My stomach issues and OCD took a lot away from me.  Dealing with things like this on a daily basis for years upon years took away any confidence I had in myself.  It also took up so much of my time, time that I can never get back.  I lost so much time during that period of my life.  I lost time with my family when life felt optimistic.  I lost time to make new friends.  I lost myself.

I try not to think too much about the past because what’s the point, it’s the past.  You can’t change it.  You can’t go back in a time machine and start over and hope this time things will go better than they did the first time around.  It’s hard though sometimes, to not think about the past, and wish things had gone a different way.  When I look back on my life, it’s hard to not feel a sense of sadness for that time that I lost that is now forever gone.

Even though one can be fully aware of how life will always change and never stay the same, the reality of when that moment in your life happens it can be a hard pill to swallow and adjust to.  I’ve learned over the last few months that I am not ready for my life to change.  Maybe that’s how everyone feels about life, and about how life changes.  No one is ever truly ready for when that moment arrives.  

If you have others in your life who care about you, that moment of change will still be hard and difficult to get through, but you will be able to get through it, thanks to that support.  I don’t, though, have friends to rely on.  I don’t have extended family members calling to see how me or my family are doing.  It is possible to get through hard and difficult times in one’s life without any kind of a support system, but it’s a hundred thousands times harder and more lonely.

I know for some time now I’ve talked a lot about how I’m feeling and less about things in pop culture.  This is just where I’m at right now.  I thank you for continuing to read what I have to say.  I thank you for listening.  In time, hopefully not too much time, I will be getting back to writing more about things in pop culture again on a daily basis and less about how I’m not feeling that great.

I hope everyone is doing well.  

As always, thanks so much for listening and reading.

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