Reflecting…

Hey everyone.  As many of you know, I love writing about pop culture.  Although, from time to time I find myself wanting to talk about things from my life rather than pop culture.  This article I’ve written here today is one where I will not be talking about pop culture.  This is an article about life, friendship, and hoping to find myself again.  What inspired this article, as well as all of my other articles in the “Friendship” category on my blog, is a moment in my life that I let change me.  Don’t worry though, I’ll be talking about pop culture again soon.  Sometimes I just find myself wanting to talk about something else.  And this is one of those times.

I’ve never written poetry on my blog before, but here goes…

I’m Here, But Not

Years went by

And I couldn’t see it at first

But I was slipping away

Losing myself within each and every single day

Here I am now years later

And I wonder where I went

And I wonder if I can ever really get back

To me

Initially, this article was just going to be that poem I wrote.  But as I read the words I had written in my poem, I realized that there was more that I had to say beyond just those few words…   

My life changed drastically when my friendships ended with those who I thought were my forever friends.  One day I had friends.  Someone to see the latest movies with.  Someone to talk about my day with.  Someone to hang out with, and go shopping with.  And then, just as fast as those friendships formed they quickly faded away.

Growing up, I wasn’t popular, or the smartest in my class.  I was made fun of, and made to feel by some that I wasn’t good enough.  What got me through that time was having friends.  I always appreciated my friends, but I never really realized how having friends really helped me get through life until I no longer had any.

I still to this day do not understand what happened to all of my friendships within my friend group.  My best friend more or less dropped me before we began college.  As far as my other friends, I tried to keep in touch after we all began college, but after a few months of being the only one reaching out I eventually gave up.  When I stopped making the effort to keep in touch, my friends either didn’t notice or didn’t care.  And so, the conversation between me and my friends ended just like that.

When my friendships appeared to be fading away, I kept how I was feeling to myself.  When I talked with my friends (who at the time were away at college), I tried asking them if they knew anything about why my best friend stopped talking to me.  One friend said she didn’t know anything.  While my other friend said I should try talking to my best friend.  I actually tried reaching out to my best friend before my friend even suggested that, but, yeah, never heard back.  

What I didn’t say to my friends during this time was how much I was hurting, and how depressed I was from how my best friend, our friend, was treating me.  I didn’t talk about the tears I had cried, or the empty nights I spent watching TV wondering why my best friend was treating me like this.  Years later, I find myself annoyed with myself for not telling those friends, still taking my calls, how I actually felt.

When I look back on my past friendships, I see now how they were friendships that weren’t very deep.  It was more like I had someone to hang out with on the weekends to see movies with and go shopping with.  I didn’t have the type of friendships where we talked about our feelings, or life, or our hopes for our future.  But, when I had these friendships with my friends I was happy.  I was okay.  I wasn’t sad.  What was there to be sad about?  I had friends.  My friendships may not have been deep, but not all friendships have to be.  Some friendships can be just about having someone there by your side, making life feel a little less lonely.

When I look back on my life I find myself most of the time wanting to cry.  I see now how hurt I was when my best friend threw me away.  I see now how hurt I was when my other friends continued their friendship with one another, but didn’t seem to care that I was no longer a part of our friend group.  During this time though, I never once said to any of my friends how my best friend, our friend, throwing me away really hurt me.  I never asked my friends “Why don’t you care?”  I never told them how lonely I was.  I never told them how I missed them, or how I missed their friendship.

When I talked to my friends during this time it was the usual “How are you?”  When I brought up my best friend and asked if they knew what was going on, they didn’t have any answers and seemed to not care.  I never brought up how hurt I was, and made it seem as though it wasn’t a big deal to me either.  That yeah, I was just asking because I thought they might know what was going on since they were still talking to one another, but if they didn’t it was no big deal.  And so, I brushed off how I was really feeling and said “Yeah, I’m okay.  Yeah, I’m fine” when asked how I was doing.

I never talked about how I was feeling with my friends.  As someone who never experienced depression before it seemed weird to just casually bring up how I was hurting.  It seemed easier to talk about anything other than the hurt I was feeling from being thrown away by my best friend because my friends didn’t seem to care about any of that and didn’t seem to care that our friend group had broken.  And because no one seemed to care I, in turn, made it seem like I, too, didn’t care.  That yeah, I was fine.  That yeah, sometimes friendships don’t last.  

When the depression began, and the sadness and the tears kept coming back day after day, I never told my friends how I was really feeling when we asked one another “How are you doing?”  And this, this is something I regret to this day.

I look back on this time of my life and wish I had told my friends how I was really feeling.  But I never did and because I never spoke up I’m now left to wonder how my life might have taken a different turn other than the one I took if I had just been able to tell my friends I wasn’t fine, I wasn’t doing okay.  Maybe my other friendships would have grown stronger if I had just opened up about how I was really feeling.  But I’ll never know because I eventually gave up on trying to keep touch with my friends when it seemed to me as though I was the only one who cared about our friendship with one another.

It’s hard to open up to others, even at times your friends.  I’ve always wondered why I didn’t tell my friends how I was really feeling when my best friend, our friend, threw me away.  I’m not sure why I never told them how much that hurt me, or told them that they not seeming to care also hurt me as well.  

When someone who you thought cared about you doesn’t seem to, it can be easy to keep how you’re really feeling, what you’re really going through, to yourself as to not let yourself get hurt even more.  But maybe if I had spoken up and been honest about how I was doing, my friends would have cared and would have wanted to be there for me.  Instead of feeling alone, I would have had someone to talk to, and maybe we’d all still be friends to this day instead of me being just a footnote as someone they used to be friends with.

Friendship may not seem like everything.  When you don’t have it though, it doesn’t take long to realize how much brighter, how much more enjoyable, and how much easier life is to get through when you have a friend by your side.  Like I said before, I wasn’t popular, I wasn’t the smartest in my class, I got made fun of, but I had friends and so because of that life was okay.  Someone hurting my feelings wasn’t new to me.  But, the hurt I felt when my best friend just simply threw me and our friendship away is the most hurt my feelings have ever gotten.  When a friend hurts you that is hurt that is hard to brush off, and hard not to take personally because this is someone who was your friend.  This is someone who you thought would never leave you.  This is someone who you thought would always treat you with kindness, with care.  This is someone who you thought would always be there.

In the years that followed all of this, I slowly began to lose myself.  My self esteem and confidence ceased to exist.  I gave up on myself after my friend, my best friend, threw me away.  I wish I could have just not cared, as my other friends seemed not to, but I thought my friendships would last forever.  I’m not sure I will ever again be the person I once was.  But, I also don’t want to be that person anymore who gives up before she even begins.  Hey, miracles do sometimes happen, and maybe one day I will meet who I used to be once again.       

Before I go, I just want to say please be kind to one another.  Not all friendships last.  Some friendships fade away naturally, while other friendships abruptly end.  For those years of being one another’s friend, please treat that person who you might not want to be friends with any longer with a conversation.  Just explain yourself, say sorry, and say goodbye.  This conversation will be difficult and will most likely be awkward.  This conversation won’t heal that friend’s hurt feelings.  This conversation of goodbye though, will at least give that friend the chance to close that chapter of their life and move on from it.

As always, thanks so much for reading.

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