This summer was difficult. I was sad. I was depressed. There were so many things that I found myself missing on a daily basis. Most of all, I missed the feeling of feeling okay. I missed the feeling of how today may not have been a great day, but there’s always the chance of how tomorrow could be better.
Last month, I started writing on my blog again. Up to this point on my blog, I mostly wrote about pop culture with the occasional article here and there about life and friendship. When I began thinking what it was I wanted to write about on my blog after months and months of not writing anything, my first thought was television. I thought, why not write about shows on tv that delve into a world of fiction, since reality at the moment is just about a bit too much to handle.
And so, I sat down and began to write. I wrote about my top three favorite shows of the last few years on television. As well as, writing about some of my favorite new television series that premiered during the 2019- 2020 television season. Although, when I finished writing these articles I found myself feeling unsatisfied with what I had written. And so, I ultimately never ended up publishing the articles.
Time went on by. During this time, I found myself feeling annoyed with myself. Annoyed with how I spent time writing these articles to only end up not even publishing them. I thought to myself, what was the point of even writing anything than in the first place? I wondered, why did I feel this way?
After some time reflecting on those questions, I came to realize why it was that I never published those articles. I realized how even though I love television and talking about it, my heart wasn’t really in those articles. I wrote those articles at the start of “life going on pause” with the hope that maybe if I wrote about something I enjoyed, like tv, that that would help me feel better. I thought maybe by writing about fictional worlds on tv not dealing with the reality of real life that maybe I would feel better. But I didn’t.
Television has, in the past, always been able to cheer me up. I thought writing about tv would help me, at least temporarily, take my mind to a place where life felt like it used to. I just wanted to be a happy TV Nerd writing about what I know best, tv. But when I looked at what I had written, I felt nothing. It took me some time to really understand why I felt this way. And that was, I couldn’t talk about something fun, like tv, when I felt so sad.
I want to write about something other than how I’m feeling. But my heart right now is just not in it. When I began writing those articles about television shows months ago, I had initially thought that could help me get through this time. I had hoped that by writing about things that I enjoy that could help me feel something other than the constant sadness that I now feel.
When I began writing again months later, I decided this time I would just write about how I was feeling. And that is, that I felt sad. After writing about how I felt, I automatically thought that afterwards I would be up for finally writing about fun things again like tv, books, and theater. And so, I began writing my next article. But when I began to write, I ended up once again writing about how I was feeling.
I began writing every article that I wrote last month with the hope of the same thing. The hope that I would want to write about something other than how I’m feeling. I kept thinking, after I write this article or that article, I’ll get back to wanting to write about other things again, like pop culture. But after writing a few articles on how I’m feeling week after week, I came to realize that this is just where I’m at right now. I’m sad. I would much rather write about my favorite tv shows, books, and theater than how I’m feeling sad. Because things in pop culture make me happy.
I thought, eventually, after some time of just getting my feelings out and not holding them in, that I’d be at a place again where I would want to write about things that bring me happiness. Although, once I would begin writing time after time, it became clear to me that right now I can’t find happiness just by writing about things that had, in the past, been able to make me happy. Right now, I can’t write about things that had, in the past, been able to bring me joy when I now feel joyless.
I’ve come to realize one thing over these last few months. And that is, it will be a very long time before I feel emotionally okay again. I realized how the things that helped get me from one day to the next (tv, books, theater) in the past, can’t help me right now. It’s hard to find happiness or joy in anything right now, even if they were things that I once found happiness and joy in.
My hope is, in time, I’ll get to a place where I’ll want to write about fun things in pop culture again. I am so grateful for pop culture because television, books, and theater are truly what have helped me get through life. I spent last month saying, I’m sad. Hopefully, in the next few months, I’ll feel better. I’ll feel better and want to write about tv, books, and theater once again.
I hope everyone is doing well. Thanks so much for reading.