Any kind of story that involves the aspect of someone reliving the same day over and over again, is the kind of story that will continue to fascinate me. This concept of storytelling is best well known from the movie “Groundhog Day”, in which the main character of the story wakes up and continues to relive the same day over and over again. Fast forward to these last few months, where real life has become like one of those scripted time loop stories that I am so fond of. Where I am fond of stories that deal with the topic of time loops, I am much less fond of actually living in a time loop.
I’ve found that simply just waking up these days to be the most difficult part of living in a time loop. Waking up to knowing that today will in many ways be the same as the one before it. Month to month, I’ve found myself slowly slipping away from feeling any kind of happiness. Because as any character living in a time loop has shown, it’s difficult, tiring, and just simply exhausting. I didn’t initially relate with how everyone was saying how we all are living “Groundhog Day” now. Where everyday feels the same, and where one is no longer able to automatically know exactly what day it is if asked. Although, I eventually reached feeling that way after a few months of living in a time loop. Where, I too now, find myself wondering on most days “What Day Is It Again?”.
In stories that deal with the aspect of someone reliving the same day over and over again, the characters who are experiencing this deal with every emotion possible. They feel a roller coaster of emotions every single second they are living in this existential crisis they have found themselves in. There’s the day where they just don’t care and do whatever they want. There’s the day where all they feel is nothingness and sorrow. For, to relive the same day over and over again is just simply emotionally exhausting.
I’ve found myself, as well, feeling a roller coaster of emotions as time has gone by from day to day, week to week, month to month. Just as in stories that deal with reliving the same moment in time over and over again, one starts to feel a sense of hopelessness and thinks “Will I ever see tomorrow?”.
For many years now, I’ve suffered from depression. Mostly, it’s a situational depression. One with not feeling overall happy with my life, saddened by how I let the circumstances of my past of failed friendships and health issues hold me back from feeling like myself and living my life. Without even realizing it, I had given up on myself. And what had kept me from picking myself up and moving forward with my life was feeling as though I was incapable of actually accomplishing anything anymore. Feeling, as though, that if I were to set a goal for myself I would never be able to reach or achieve that goal. And instead of trying to see if I was wrong, I wouldn’t even try because I felt I would ultimately just fail. My self esteem became nonexistent after so many years of feeling this way about myself. There were many years where I felt so distant from myself, wondering “Am I still really here?”.
In the last few years, I’ve started to slowly rebuild myself. There’s still sadness I feel, but overall it isn’t as strong as it once was, and with that I started to live life again. I started this blog talking about pop culture and life. I started reading books again. I started going to the pool and the beach in the summer again.
For many years, my days were filled with sadness and tears. It was first, from the experience of my friends ditching me but still staying friends with one another, and then from experiencing health issues from my stomach, where my giving up on myself began. I’m not sure I really ever had that much confidence in myself to begin with, but I was never one to give up on something before at least trying. But these experiences, especially in that order, were experiences that changed me to where I lost confidence in myself completely that I would ever be good enough just simply being me, and that I could never do anything in my life besides fail.
And then, finally, after so many years of feeling that way, living a life that seemed to not have purpose or value, I started to feel a sense of happiness again of feeling simply okay. Thanks to a change in my diet, and moving on from the past.
That sense of happiness of feeling simply okay, seems to have temporarily vanished for me. Most days now are basically just whatever. Devoid of any meaning. I mostly feel numb. I’ll have moments where I feel okay, and then all of a sudden I’ll feel a heaviness of just complete sadness come over me. Like I’ve said, I have depression. But this feels different. It’s a heaviness of sadness that I’ve never felt before. A sadness of missing out on life once again after starting to try and live again.
I think I’ve always liked time loop stories because they delve into life in a way that other stories don’t. They are emotional, yet funny. They are existential and deep. They deal with someone living through a bizarre set of circumstances, but eventually finding their way out to see a new day. And lastly, these are stories where the characters learn and grow from their experience of literally being stuck in the same place in time for what feels like an eternity.
Usually in these stories, the characters feel a sense of isolation because no one else around them is experiencing time repeating itself. They feel alone, despite not actually being alone. Life right now feels very much isolating, lonely, and routine. You wake up. You go to bed. The randomness of life seems to have disappeared. That randomness of life can make life feel not so routine. It can make life fun. It can make life interesting. Living life right now feels very much existential on a daily basis, and feels very much as though we are living in a movie or television show about reliving the same day over and over again.
What’s been getting me from one day to the next is, well, I’m not sure exactly. I guess it’s the hope that eventually I’ll get to see that new day again. A day again where things seem hopeful and encouraging again. Where I can wake up, see the sun shining and feel happy instead of feeling nothing.
I brought up the topic of stories that deal with time repeating itself because at this moment in time these are stories that have become relatable. Characters in these stories, after some time of living in a world where time seems to have stopped moving forward, look at their life and begin to wonder about and question their existence. Trying to understand why what has happened has happened. They have times of struggling to cope with their current reality. They cry, and are confused. But with that struggle, comes the hope of it will eventually get better. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day.
In every story that deals with someone reliving the same day over and over again, they eventually break out of that cycle. Once they do, they feel better. After everything they’ve been through, they feel a sense of wanting to get out and really live. They feel grateful for finally making it to that new day, and how there’s not a moment of it to waste. For they get to live, really live, and see new days after new days once again.
I have lived a life at one time where I felt stuck. I felt helpless. I felt discouraged. But, just like a character stuck in a time loop story, I got out of that situation. I got out of my head to see new days filled with the possibility of happiness instead of sadness. And I too, look forward to making it to new days again. To days where I can see the sun shining outside and think how today’s gonna be a good day.
Before I leave, here is a great television show that deals with time repeating itself:
-Russian Doll (Netflix)
And, of course, the movie – Groundhog Day
I hope everyone is doing well. Thanks so much for reading.
Just Simply Me... 