“Hey, Remember Me?”….. To Those Friends Of Mine Who Didn’t Care If I Faded Away…..

This is a story about friendships gone bad, people who I thought cared, and what it’s really like to be the who is left behind…..

Growing up, you had that group of friends who you saw every day.  You went to school together.  You saw movies together.  You went to the mall together.  You talked on the phone together.  You had inside jokes, that no one but you and your group of friends would ever understand.

Then you all graduated, and everyone went off in their own separate directions.  Years went by, and while you no longer see each other every day anymore, you and your group of friends managed to do the impossible.  You all stayed in each other’s lives since that day of High School Graduation.  Sure, getting together is harder now, with careers and families.  And sure, you may only see each other on birthdays and weddings, along with the occasional game night here and there.  But you and your group of friends never once stopped being in each other’s lives, despite not seeing each other every day in school anymore.

As time went on, the effort to stay in touch was made by all.  Whether it be a quick dinner, a talk on the phone, a walk or a run, your friendships with one another never stopped just because your time in High School did.  Life has a way of changing things, but the one thing that never changed were your friendships with one another.

When you reunite, you greet one another with a huge smile and a big hug.  It’s just so good to see everyone again.  You all reminisce about “the good old days”, along with gabbing on about what everyone is up to these days now.  It’s during these times together again, where you all wonder the same thing, but never say it out loud.  It’s a question you have all wondered about from time to time over the years, which is, “Whatever happened to so and so?”.

“A long time ago, we use to be friends

But I haven’t thought of you lately at all”

— Veronica Mars (TV Series *Theme Song*)

In this scenario, I am “so and so”.  Growing up, I was someone who was lucky enough to have had others in this world who I could call “friends” (or so I thought).  Many of these friends of mine (from “once upon a time ago”), managed to remain friends over the years since our time in school together.  And then, well there’s me.  While they all kept in touch, I was someone (I would later learn) who they didn’t care if they let go.

Growing up, I always had a friend.  I always had someone to call.  I always had someone to hang out with.  I always had someone, who was just there.  I may not have been popular, or have had a ton of friends, but I had a few friends who I could call “a friend”.

As I got older, some friendships diminished.  There was no rhyme or reason, as to why.  There was no argument or falling out.  It was more like I didn’t see them as much in school anymore because we had different classes.  And so, with every new year of school came meeting new people, where new friendships would form with new friends.

Up to the point of High School, that’s how most of my friendships were.  One year, I’d be friends with someone, and then the following year the friendship would kind of just fade away.  Growing up, I had friends.  But never really any kind of close friends, to where we would continue to stay friends year after year.  The concept of having a friend who was always by my side, was not the type of friendship I ever had with any of my friends growing up.  I was just happy to have someone to go to the mall and movies with, you know.  As long as I had a friend to call and hang out with from time to time, I was happy.

“You just call out my name

And you know wherever I am

I’ll come running, to see you again

Winter, spring, summer or fall

All you have to do is call

And I’ll be there

You’ve got a friend”

— Beautiful – The Carole King Musical 

And then High School came.  By this time, I had made some good friends.  Up to this point of my life, my friendships would change from year to year, for the most part really.  During my time in High School though, those who I called “friend”, were my friends until Graduation Day.

With these friends, I never had the deepest of friendships, per say.  We never talked about our hopes, our dreams, our goals in life.  It was pretty much this: We went to school together, the mall and movies, out to eat, talked on the phone, and band practice.  Just because we didn’t have deep conversations about where we hoped we’d be by the time we were so and so age, doesn’t mean the friendships weren’t real and didn’t mean anything.  These friendships during this time of my life in High School, meant something to me.  We all may not have had a whole lot in common with one another, but I was happy to call them my friends.

I could have been a better friend to my friends, as we all probably feel from time to time.  I’m sure there were many, many times that I’d come across as annoying to my friends, going on and on about my Favorite Broadway Show at the time (Saturday Night Fever: The Musical).  Which would always result in all my friends rolling their eyes as to say, “Saturday Night Fever?!  Again?!  Really?!”, along with singing show tunes (P.S. I can’t sing in the least, so I’d imagine that had to be annoying as well).  Another annoying trait of mine for my friends might have been that I always wanted to go to the mall and movies, or out to eat.  At that age though, until you can drive your options for hanging out are kind of limited.

And then there was a time that I definitely don’t have to wonder if I could have been a better friend.  There was a time back long ago, when I ignored my best friend (at the time) for a few months.  It’s been awhile now since that time, so I’m not exactly clear on how long I ignored my friend (these days that thing of ignoring someone is called “ghosting”), I think it was around three months or so.

I’ve talked about this friendship before on my blog, and I always feel that if I’m going to talk about the subject of friendship, I have to bring this up.  I want to be honest about my friendships from long ago, and to do that I have to talk about the time when I wasn’t a good friend to my best friend.  I made a mistake.  I ignored and completely stopped talking to someone who had been nothing but a friend to me.  Someone, who was always up for hanging out or going to a movie.  The truth is, my best friend did absolutely nothing wrong for me to start ignoring her.  She didn’t deserve that.  After few months of ignoring her, I apologized and said how sorry I was.  Thankfully, she accepted my apology.  After she accepted my apology, we went back to being friends.  It was than,  where I realized what a caring, nice, and good friend she was.  After all this, I started to truly appreciated our friendship.  And I would never, ever again take it for granted.

I always wondered why I would ignore someone who was willing to be my friend.  I’ve thought about this a lot over the years.  I think in many ways, up to that point I never really had a “best friend”.  I never really had the same person who I would always call or hang out with.  I always had friendships that would fade away, never lasting more than a year or so.  So when I had a friend who hadn’t left, someone who wanted to continue being friends, that was something that was unfamiliar to me.  And I found myself wanting space.

During this time, I was a Sophomore in High School.  At the time, I was young.  I’m not blaming being a bad friend to my friend because I was young at the time.  It’s just, honestly, sometimes it takes getting older to see the error of your ways.  As you get older, you learn from your past mistakes.  You grow from every experience in life.  You can never go back in time, but you can learn from the past.  How to and how not to handle things.  And how today, if you were to encounter that moment from your past again, where you weren’t your best self, you’d handle it differently.  You would handle that moment better.  And that’s because you’ve learned, you’ve grown as a person.  You learn and grow and recognize things more as you get older.  I am not very fond of getting older, but the one thing that does come with age is being more aware.

I see now how I should have told my friend, “I need some space.  I still want to be friends.  I just need a minute”.  Instead, I took the cowardly way and went the route of ignoring (“ghosting”) someone when not wanting to confront a situation.  Which was something I had never done before to someone who I called a friend.  Looking back, I can see now how hurtful that must have been for my friend.  How hurtful it must have been for her during that time when I had stopped speaking to her, with no explanation given as to why.  I was just thinking of myself, and how I just needed some space.  When you get older you see how that’s just “not a cool thing to do”, especially to a friend.  After that though, I found myself really happy to be friends with her again.

We never talked about that time, once we were friends again with one another.  That time when I was “a crappy friend”.  So I never really knew how she felt.  At the time, I guess, we were both just really happy to be friends again, so why bother talking about any of that.  It was in the past.

“But I’ll be there for you

When the rain starts to pour

I’ll be there for you

Like I’ve been there before

I’ll be there for you

‘Cause you’re there for me too”

— Friends (TV Series *Theme Song*)

By the time of my Senior Year of High School, I had a group of friends.  I had made a few new friends the year before in school with whom my best friend had also become friends with, as well.  It was nice to be around a group of people who genuinely seemed to like me.  It was the first time in my life where I finally felt that I had made some genuine friendships.  I felt, at the time, that these friendships would never, ever fade away, and that we’d all be “friends forever”.  I started to think that my days of making friends to where the friendships would always end up taking that natural faded away turn, was in my past.  And in front of me, were friendships that would stand the test of time, with friends who would always be there for me.

High School is a place where many meet their “forever friends”.  So many who become friends during that time of their lives, stay friends.  A truly amazing feat!  These are the friends who you grew up with.  The ones who knew you when.  The ones who knew you when you had braces.  The ones who would cheer you up when feeling down with a fun night.  That time of life can’t be recreated.  And as you get older you realize just how special that time of life is, when life felt so ever carefree.  How those friendships, in particular, are the best gifts that life can offer someone.

Unfortunately for me, when I think back on my time in High School now all I feel is sadness.  When I think back on those days today, it hurts my heart.  I went into my last year of High School thinking I had made friendships that were solid, that were strong.  I thought I had made friends with people that cared, that were sincere.  Although, something was happening that I didn’t immediately pick up on when these new friendships were forming in my Junior Year of school with my best friend and myself.

“We’re just the losers you hang out with

until something better comes along”

— Alone Together (TV Series)

That best friend “whom I once ignored for three months, whom I later than apologized to, and became friends with again” didn’t want me included in this group.  While, I thought we were all friends and I was a part of a group, it was only clear to me years later of how she wanted those friends to be “her friends” and not “our friends”.  She was slowly fading me out, without me even realizing it.  Then one day at the start of Senior Year, I heard her making fun of me.  She didn’t realize I was nearby.  And that’s when I realized we didn’t have the friendship I thought we had.

In many ways, when my best friend ditched me for “her new friends (not our new friends)”, I thought I deserved it.  I had ignored her at one time, so I thought I was owed this.  She was fully aware that I had heard what she said about me.  I thought at some point throughout that day, she would talk to me, call me, explain herself, say sorry.  I never received that call or that apology.  For why would she care to apologize?  Why would she care about me or how she hurt my feelings?  She had other friends now, after all.

Six months went on by, and what is suppose to be one’s best year of High School, turned out to be my worst.  During this time, I thought another friend of mine, (who I had also considered to be another one of my best friends) would step up and be there for me.  She wasn’t.  It was Senior Year after all.  Meaning any ounce of free time she had available was reserved for her boyfriend.  She later married this boyfriend.  Seeing how this guy was clearly her soulmate, I understand now why being there for me as a friend wasn’t a top priority for her back than.  Although, this time of feeling so isolated, so alone, could have been made just a little bit better if this other friend of mine could have spent some time with me here and there.  If only she would have opened her eyes more, she would have seen how I was reaching out for a friend.

After six months of feeling so alone and just wanting to be a part of a group again, I called “that best friend of mine who had made fun of me”.  You’d think at some point during all that time she would have reached out to me.  I mean, six whole months had gone by, but nothing.  So I called her.  I told her how I missed our friendship.  I told her how lonely and alone that year had been for me without her.  I can’t recall much else from that conversation.  Because that conversation, you see, is well over seventeen years ago now.  She probably said sorry, I can’t actually recall.  Whatever was said, it was after that conversation where we became friends again.  I had my best friend back!  And what was even better, she seemed genuinely happy to have me around again.

I thought when we went back to being friends again, that we would once again be the best friends that we had been with one another before.  Although, it quickly became clear that it wasn’t going to be the same friendship as it was before.  Case in point, anytime I asked if she wanted to hang out, she’d say sure.  That sure would be followed by her wanting to include her “entourage of new friends” (“her friends, not our friends” friends) to come along, as well.

“Everything felt fine

when I was half of a pair

And through no fault of mine

there’s no other half there”

— Be More Chill (the musical)

Our friendship felt different.  We were friends again, but I felt on the outside of her new friendships.  I was no longer the friend she’d call first.  I was no longer the friend she’d want to hang out with.  For she had new friends to call, new friends to hang out with.  Day by day, it became more and more clear how our friendship was one that wasn’t of importance to her anymore.  And than one day shortly after becoming friends again, I heard from a mutual friend of ours.  This mutual friend said her other friends were asking why we were talking again.  As though her new friends were saying, “Why would she want to be friends with me again?”.

“You can’t take a picture of this. 

It’s already gone”

— Six Feet Under (TV Series)

Then came the day of High School Graduation.  I never really took in that moment.  I thought the people in my life at that time, the friendships that I had made over my school career, would be friendships that I would just always have.  To me, at that time, it just felt like any other school day.  And how I would just see everyone tomorrow or the next day.  I never once thought that any of my friendships would come to an end just because school was over.  I never once thought of graduation as a “good bye” to my friendships, but more as an, “I’ll see you, when I see you.  But don’t worry, we’ll for sure stay in touch.  Friends forever and ever and ever!”.  My friends and their friendships meant something to me.  And I never once assumed that any of my friendships would ever change with those who I called “a friend” just because we had graduated from school.

After graduation, that best friend of mine threw a Graduation Party.  I was invited.  I still can remember the present I got for her.  It was a picture frame, and in it was a picture of the two of us from a time when we went to New York to see a show.  Along with the picture and frame, I gave her a disposable camera to capture the moments from her Graduation Party.

At this party, my best friend never gave any kind of signs or impressions, that I was someone who she no longer wanted to be friends with.  She seemed happy to have me there.  Little did I know though back than, that this would be the last get together, the last party, that she would ever invite me to again.

From time to time, I wonder if that gift I gave her, was a gift that meant something to her.  Was it something she kept, or was it something she simply just threw away, when she no longer wanted to be friends with me any longer?  Along with wondering, how those pictures from her party turned out.  I guess I’ll never know the answers to those questions.

That Summer went by from month to month.  And as fast as my best friend had welcomed me back, our renewed friendship was short lived.  I called her here and there over that Summer, asking if she’d like to meet up and hang out.  She always said no.  I could sense something was up, but I never confronted her about it.  I had no clue as to why she was distancing herself from me.  Especially since she seemed more than happy to being friends with me again, just a few months prior.

The biggest sign that I was in the process of “getting ghosted” came from when I ran into her at the food store that Summer.  There had been a huge storm just a few days before, and the power had gone out in most of our town.  I told her how the power at my house had been out for a few days.  She said she had power at her house, just no cable.  This is the part where if someone was a friend of yours, they’d invite you over to their place.  She kind of just stared at me, not saying anything.  And then it was like, “Okay, than…..  Bye”.

And than lastly came the final sign that I was no longer someone she wanted anything to do with.  Right before she left off for college that Summer, she threw a Birthday party for herself at her place.  Literally, everyone we were friends with got invited, except for me.  She knew I would hear about her party, seeing how we had many mutual friends.  This would be one of the last times where all of our friends would be together one last time before many of us were to begin college.  So, for her not to want me there, to not want to include me was extremely hurtful, to say the least.

“You have no idea what decades

of not knowing does to a person”

— 9-1-1 (TV Series)

When September rolled on around after those Summer months, I finally reached out to her, asking what happened.  I never received any kind of response.  I’ve thought over the years, why she would do this to me?  Why would she treat me like this?  Why she would just stop talking to me?  Why, couldn’t she at least response back to my question of “why?” when I reached out?

It just didn’t make sense to me.  She was a nice person, so why was she being so cruel?  If I were to guess, it might have been that “her new friends” just didn’t care for me.  So to make her life less complicated, it was just easier to ditch me.  Or possibly, she never really forgave me for ignoring her for those three months (two years prior), and with other friends now, she had other people to hang out with.  Or lastly, she possibly thought how that Summer would be the absolute perfect time to pull off the “Ditch This Friend, I’m Going To College” routine, as she started her new life.  I was a part of her past now, the past she apparently wanted nothing to do with any longer.  At the end of the day, I’ll never really know the answer to why she no longer wanted to be friends with me.

Years after all this, I reached out to her again.  When I first reached out, I never brought up wanting to know what happened.  Surprising to me, she actually wrote back.  As we began to talk with one another again, it started to become clear how we no longer had anything in common, and the conversation shortly fizzled out.  While I could sense that, it was nice talking to her again.  Despite not having much to talk about, I was still up for continuing to talk to her here and there.  Even if all we had talked about was our current Favorite TV Series of the moment, that was fine with me.  Seeing how I never made any new friends after my time in High School, that kind of conversation was plenty enough for me.

After a few messages here and there from me to her, it became clear she wasn’t interested in wanting to talk with me any longer.  I thought at this point, I had nothing to lose.  So I finally asked her why she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore, all those years ago.  She wrote back to me, saying something along the lines of she didn’t even remember why, and how we’re older now and the past is in the past.  First, Ouch!  Not gonna lie, when she said she didn’t even remember that hurt a lot.  We were friends all those years ago, best friends, and for her to dismiss our friendship as though it was nothing, was disappointing.

“Most people don’t understand how frightening

hope can be, but I do” 

— God Friended Me (TV Series)

After so many years of not being able to shake the hurt, of not knowing why, to finally have the courage to flat out asked her why she did what she did, was huge for me.  And for her response back to me in the way she did was like, “Really?!”.  Even if she forgot (which I have never really bought), she was now aware of the hurt I felt.  And by now being fully aware of the hurt I felt, she could have at the very least just of said she was sorry, and acknowledge how she handled not wanting to be friends any longer back than in the wrong way.  Seeing how it would have been pointless to go any further more into that matter now with her, I said okay, followed by saying sorry for having brought that up, and we could just go back to talking about whatever.

After that, I never heard from her again.  I wrote to her here and there, but never again ever received a response back.  And eventually just gave up, seeing how her silence was louder than any words could ever be.  I can’t say I’m surprised that she never wrote back when she no longer wanted to talk any further, seeing how that is exactly the same way in how she handled not wanting to talk with me any longer all those years ago.  Even though I wasn’t surprised, I found myself somewhat hurt all over again, I hate to say.

You’re probably wondering why I wrote back to her here and there years later, once she stopped responding.  A part of me hoped that the friend I was once friends with was still there in her.  And she would just be a person and say sorry.  That was all I ever wanted.  And when it became clear, she was never going to own up to how she mishandled things, I realized then and there, she was never going to.  A part of me always felt it was karma when she made new friends and ditched me, all those years ago.  The difference between us though, is that I never ignored her because I made new friends, or I didn’t want to be friends with her any longer.  I did it because I was stupid, and just needed some space.  I knew I was in the wrong.  I apologized, I said sorry.  When I made my mistake, I owed up to it.  We are no longer friends, obviously, but we once were.  And for those years of friendship, for the time we were friends, I deserved an apology from her.

Some of you reading this might wonder would I even want an apology from a person who clearly never cared about me at all?  An apology wouldn’t change anything.  An apology can’t change the past.  But by her taking ownership for what she did, she’s acknowledging what happened.  That’s all I ever wanted, for her to just acknowledge what she did.

It was hurtful and somewhat annoying how when I finally got the courage to ask her why she ditched me, she never took any kind of accountability for what she did.  She could have said sorry, but she didn’t.  She blamed it on not remembering, because so much time had passed on by.  When in reality, I asked her when this was happening at the time it was happening back then.  She knew why back then, I’m sure.  But she wanted nothing to do with me anymore, so she never gave me that gift of an answer as to why, when she knew why.

Over the years since this time, I have seen this “former best friend of mine”, here and there.  Every time I have seen her, she has never once looked in my direction.  She avoids me at all costs, as though I am just a mere stranger passing her by.  To have someone, who you once called “a friend”, to not be able to make eye contact with you and greet you with a smile and a hello, brings sadness to me every single time.

Back when I was working as a cashier at a grocery store, she walked to my line.  She was with her Mom.  Once she saw that I was the cashier, she then walked around her Mom and waited for her at the end of the register.  Neither one of them acknowledged they knew me.  As her Mom paid for their items, nothing was said.  I didn’t know what to say, so I just played along to that game of “I don’t know you either”.  Another delightfully depressing moment for me.  I thought to myself during this terribly sad and awkward encounter, “Remember Me?  Remember how we use to be friends?  Remember, how I’m that friend you ditched all those years ago?  I remember you, you were my friend”.

As my “once upon a time ago friends” got older, many got married.  I always thought in the back of my mind that maybe I’d be invited to one of these weddings.  I know, I was no longer friends with any of these people who I once called friends, and I’d probably wouldn’t even go if I was invited, but I guess a part of me always thought how maybe they’d think back on those times when we were friends, dumb I know.

Two Summers ago, someone who I thought I was friends with growing up, got married.  And thanks to being “friends” on social media, in my feed on and off for most of that Summer were pictures of her Engagement Party, Bachelorette Party and Wedding.  And the one thing that every picture had in it were people who I thought I was friends with growing up.  They were all invited.  I thought to myself, “Well, that’s nice.  It’s nice to see how they are all still in each other’s lives”.

“It’s amazing what trusting one true friend

in your life can do”

— Modern Love (TV Series)

I wonder what exactly had been so bad about me back then for those friends of mine.  Why was I someone, who they didn’t care if they let go?  Why was I someone, who they let be forgotten?  You can’t help but think how you must be the most annoying person, when no one cares if they continue to talk with you or not.  Especially, when they all stayed friends with one another after High School had ended.  While I was abandoned by those who I thought were friends of mine, they all stayed friends, or at the very least stayed friendly over the years since graduation.  Why didn’t they care about me?

And the truth is, if any of these other friends of mine wanted to stay friends with me (like they stayed with one another) they would have.  It was only until recently that I was finally able to see that.  The truth is they could have called me, but they didn’t.  The truth is they could have asked me to hang out with them when they were home from college and after college was over, but they didn’t.  They could have included me, but they didn’t.

When I stopped making the effort to keep in touch, not one of them cared enough to ask why I had stopped.  Even if I wasn’t friends with that best friend of mine anymore, those mutual friends of ours and I could have still been friends.  I always wondered why during those years of college, especially, why none of them ever called me or asked me to hang out with them when they were home.  Did they ever wonder about me when they had a party or a get together during those years?  Like why was I never invited to anything after graduation?  Was it because it was just easier to leave me out because that “best friend of mine from once upon a time ago” was invited and she obviously wouldn’t want me there?  Even if that was the case, these other friends still could have invited me because I was still their friend, but they never did.

I never learned that answer for why I was someone who everyone ditched, while they all stayed close with one another.  Although, the answer to that is simple, really.  I can see that now.  And that is, they just didn’t care.  If they were my friend, at some point during those four years, they would have reached out.  When I was still making the effort to keep in touch with these other friends of mine, I always felt like they must have known about “that friend of ours who had ditched me as a friend, with no explanation given”.  I never felt though, that I could just flat out ask any of them if they knew anything as to why this mutual friend of ours abandoned me.

During those times of making the effort to keep in touch with these friends, one told me how they were going to be hanging out with “that former best friend of mine” over a holiday break.  I, of course, didn’t get an invite.  So why even tell me, I’d wonder?  Another friend, asked me if I was still talking to “that former best friend of mine”.  I said how she stopped talking with me, and I had no idea why.  After this friend had brought that up, I casually asked if she knew anything about that.  She said no.  Then why out of the blue would she asked me about that, I’d wonder?  I always felt like these mutual friends had to have known about the falling out with this friend and myself.  And not once was I ever asked about it, or how I was feeling, all the while they were probably having parties and meeting up when home, while I was alone and crying.

I am aware of how when one leaves for college, things change.  Life will change.  Friendships will change.  At some point though, everyone comes home during those four years of college.  They at some point return back home for a visit.  During those visits back home (that I would assume they had), I was never once called (they had my number) or included in any kind of get together.

“Step out, of the sun

If you keep getting burned

Step out, step out of the sun

Because you’ve learned, because you’ve learned”

— Dear Evan Hansen (the musical)

At a certain point, I just stopped making the effort to keep in touch with these mutual friends (of both mine and my former best friend).  I got tired of being the one who cared.  I got tired of being the one to ask how they were.  I got tired of being the one to put in all the effort to keep our friendship, when they didn’t seem to care at all.  And guess what?  When I stopped trying, they never asked why.  It had become clear after this, how my friendships with these other friends of mine, was something that wasn’t of importance to any of them, as it was to me.  I guess a sign of that should have been how they were still hanging out with one another when home from college, and how during those times my invite always seemed to get lost in the mail.

It just saddens me of how not one of my other friends seemed to care how I was clearly being excluded.  I was saddened how I couldn’t ask any of them if they knew why my best friend (that they were all still friends with) ditched me because their answer was they didn’t want to get involved.  If they had cared, they would have wanted to get involved.  At the end of the day, you can’t blame going away to college as to the reason for why you’re a bad friend to me, when you are still in touch with every one else.

“It’s the past.  Move on!”

— Divorce (TV Series)

I know to some this may all seem so trivial.  How at 36, I should be over all of this.  The fact is, when something happens to you, you feel it.  And if it isn’t hasn’t happened to you, you might think it’s, “So Trivial!”.  When someone hasn’t been through what you have been through, it’s very easy to say, ‘”Just get over it, already!”.  The truth is when it happens to you, it’s not as easy to get over.  And the truth of the matter is, as much as we’d wish for everything from our past that hurt us, to just go away and leave us and never again enter our minds, it’s that stuff from our past that is the hardest to forget.  We remember and hold on to the bad times, just as much as the good times.

I’ve written about the subject of friendship here and there on my blog.  It’s not something I write about very often because this part of life is something that I’ve never really had and it’s something for me that is very personal to talk about.  The other few times I’ve written about the subject of friendship, I’ve never really went into the depth that I have here.  I would only tell a part of my story.  I always wanted to tell the full story of these “diminished friendships” from my past.  But honestly, it’s very hard to talk about, and I found myself when writing about this topic in the past not being fully ready to completely tell my story.  And how being the only one left on the outside, truly made me feel.

I guess you could call this somewhat of a therapy session for me, to write about from this time of my life.  I’ve reached out to few of those other friends of mine here and there over the past few years.  I realized after reaching out though, that any of those answers to the questions that I had wondered about over the years, were going to remain left unanswered.  At the end of the day, I waited simply too long to build up the courage to flat out ask what happened, why I was left behind.  I always knew it was far fetched that I was ever going to really know what happened, simply because so much time had passed on by since that very time.

One friend I contacted really seemed to care, though.  She tried her best to answer what happened to our friendship.  She said things just go that way sometimes, it’s natural, friendships change.  I was so happy to talk again to her, that I didn’t ask the obvious after she said that.  The obvious of how I was left out all those years ago, but she remained friends with everyone during that time and after that time.  And by the time I wanted to ask the question of,”Why was I the only one that had been left out?”, it just seemed pointless.

This is not the first time I’ve written about the topic of friendship.  This is not the first time I have written about this friendship of “once upon a time ago” either.  We’re told as time goes on, eventually the hurt will go away, little by little.  And that’s true.  I’m not as hurt by this occurrence today, as I once was years ago, but I do still feel hurt when I think about that time of my life.

When writing about the subject matter of friendship on my blog in the past, I wasn’t fully yet ready to tell this story of mine in its entirety.  Now though, I am.  There’s something that happens when you keep things bottled up inside.  Sadness, bitterness, longing for the better times.  And when you finally release your feelings, no longer keeping them locked up inside, sharing your story with others, that part of you that was weighed down by sadness, by bitterness, that part of you that longing for that past, is free.  And by telling the whole story of what happened and how it made me feel, I feel as though I am finally ready to close this sad chapter from life behind me now completely.

As time has gone on, I’ve never really gotten used to not having friends.  I’ve never really gotten used to seeing how all my friends are all still friends with one another, while I’m over here, friendless.  I guess that just the way the cookie crumbles for this gal.  What can I say I miss having friends and having others to talk to on a regular basis from time to time.  I miss having friends that can relate to where I am in my life because they are at the same place in their lives, as well.

“You took away our friendship,

without even discussing it with me. 

I trusted it. 

I believed in it. 

But you didn’t.  And now it’s gone.”

— Beaches (Movie)

In many ways, I never grew up because of this.  I’m still that girl waiting by the computer, by the phone for her best friend to answer her back.  I’m still that girl whose life seemed to go on pause while everyone else lived, while I was left behind.  I’ve moved on from this time of my life, but honestly it’s also something I never really have gotten over.  For people who I considered to be friends, to be anything but, is in many ways hard to get over.  These were people who I thought cared about me, and to realize none of them did is a hard pill to swallow.  You can’t help but be affected by this.

After this happened, I never made any kind of solid friendships ever again.  I wonder about this a lot.  Like why hadn’t I try harder to make new friends during my first year at college.  I still don’t have an answer to that question.  It was the perfect time to start over, and at the same time I wasn’t in a place of wanting to start over.  I just wanted to be accepted back to those friends who I never wanted to abruptly leave me.  I see now how I was just still so incredibly hurt at that time, and just didn’t have the energy at all to start over again with new people.

As one gets older, making new friends seems impossible.  And by the time I was ready to make new friends, it seemed as though everyone who was my age, had all the friends they would ever need.  In many ways, I recognize how I may never make another friend in my life again.  As much as it saddens me to think that, to say that, to write that down in words, a part of me just doesn’t really care anymore if I never have another friend again.  Even though a part of me feels that way, another part of me is saddened by that thought at the same time.  After so many years without a friend by my side, it’s an odd thing of you get use to it and never get use to it at the same time.  If that makes any sense.  It’s just that in reality, by the time people are in their 30s, making new friends isn’t a high priority, as it may have been before when they were younger.

I do still feel that hurt that I felt all those years ago, as much as I wish I didn’t.  I didn’t write this with any ill willed towards “these friends of mine from long ago”.  I’m not mad.  And while I still do feel an amount of sadness and hurt from this time of my past, I wish all of my friends who I was once friends with nothing but the best.  I would never wish the hurt, sadness or loneliness that I have felt since those years of graduation to any one of them.

“Don’t be a ghost, be a person. 

Just say sorry. 

Just say good bye…”

— Me

At the end of the day, they are all great and nice people (at least they were when I knew them).  It just hurts to think of those times when they probably all get together from time to time and (possibly) wonder, “Hey. Whatever ever happened to Jodi?”, which is something they would know and not have to wonder if they care enough to want me stay, instead of not caring if I faded away.

I’m going to close this off, with one of the best TV Show Theme Songs in television history.  It’s a Theme Song, that perfectly depicts how friendship is life’s most precious and best gift.

“Thank you for being a friend

Traveled down the road and back again

Your heart is true

Your a pal and a confidante

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

Thank you for being a friend” 

— Golden Girls (TV Series *Theme Song*) 

 

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